Who Put The Pork In My Beef ?

Fellow infidels,

Please welcome a new blogger – Laetus Porcus- Latin for “Happy Pig.”  Laetus  writes about the recent discovery that pork has been found in foods Muslims thought were safe from swine. What a  darn shame.  In any event, we infidels LOVE our pig!  We are most happy eating barbecue PORK sandwiches for dinner and mounds of bacon for breakfast. Being an infidel has its advantages!  Burkasrugly

Islam is the most legalistic religion on the face of the earth. It literally has a rule for every occasion in life. Islam is an all-encompassing system of control not only of Muslims but non-Muslims as well. It is called Sharia.

Sharia dictates every action and behaviour of Muslim and infidel be labeled either Halal (permitted) or Haram (not permitted).  This Halal and Haram designation refers also to food and drink.  For instance Muslims cannot drink any form of alcohol.  Also, forbidden to them is any form of pork.  Nor can kafirs or infidels living in Muslim dominated lands consume either pork or alcohol.  If you enjoy a pork barbecue sandwich washed down by ice-cold beer it is not a good idea to move to Iran or Saudi Arabia.  If caught consuming this libation and this epicurean delight you would be flogged.  And we are not talking about ten lashes on the wrist with a wet noodle either.   Try 100 scarifying lashes on your bare back.  The second offense would probably mean death.

From Europe (according to Bare Naked Islam) comes some astounding news!  Not all Halal foods are really Halal foods.  In Denmark 11 out of 70 samples of ground beef contained up to 7% pork.  Allah forbid! In England numerous cases of chicken sausage destined for public school lunches were found to be tainted by pork DNA.  Curses be upon you wretched kafirs!  And in Norway food inspectors found pork in the kebab meat and pizza toppings.  In Switzerland pork traces were also found to be contaminated by as much as 7% pork.  O infidels, may the fleas of a 1000 camels infest your beards!  Riots are sure to follow.

Is this some European wide conspiracy to infect the Muslim food supply with PORK?  What happens if Muslims unwittingly consume minute quantities of pork and then die with this Haram food still in their digestive tracts?  Does Allah send them straight to Muslim Hell?  We need a council of Sharia experts to consider this life or death question.  A word to the wise Muslim.  If you even think you may have consumed pork in the last two hours quickly stick your finger down your throat.  Trigger your gag reflex and vomit into a plastic Bio-Hazard Bag.  Dispose of safely in the nearest infidel’s garbage can in a Sharia approved manner.  If it has been more than three hours since you suspect that you consumed pork you will need to work on the other end.  Give yourself an enema to flush the filth out and hope Allah will be merciful.  Maybe Allah will not consider you an apostate for your unwitting indiscretion.

I love the smell of bacon frying in the morning.  It smells like VICTORY!

Laetus Porcus

(With apologies to Robert Duvall in the film Apocalypse Now)

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